Removing Obstacles to Improving Relationships
By Cindy Irwin, MA, LMFT, with Jackie Feit
Think back to the day of your wedding. What hopes and expectations developed as you pondered the future? The focus was most likely not on the potential disputes and tension, but on the good times yet to come. Sometimes, however, marriage becomes a bigger feat than expected. Wedding day dreams of future late night chats, romantic dates, and endless hours of laughter become shrouded by the reality of bills, schedules, stress and diapers. The partner who once stood by your side, ready to fight the world with you has instead turned to fight against you.
In the face of conflict, it is easy to spot where the other person has gone wrong. “If only he would put me before his job.” “She needs to control her emotional outbursts.” “He should help out more around the house.” The scenarios go on and on.
And although the desire for change is often legitimate, problems arise when too much focus is placed on changing the other person. Garth Fletcher, a psychologist at Canterbury University, found that 90 percent of people in relationships try to transform their intimate partner, which, in return, only makes matters worse. The research revealed that the more someone attempted to change his or her partner, the less happy both became.
At times, the nagging tension can make it feel as though your relationship is spiraling downward into a dark abyss. But don’t lose hope! We all really do need an I-exam.While it is easier to notice issues in the other person, it is most beneficial to take a step back and look at the ways in which you have contributed to the conflict, little or big. Jesus illustrates this by painting a rather humorous picture. In Matthew 7:4-5 (NIV) He states, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?…first, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will bee clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” The large “plank” represents our inability (or lack of desire) to see the ways in which we have personally added to the problem.
Recognizing these areas of deficit in yourself isn’t an easy task, and it isn’t fun. It may mean taking an honest look at even the smallest contributors to the conflict, such as your behavior (facial expressions, tone of voice, posture, etc.), outward displays of frustration or coldness, level of criticism, and self-focus. Body language is over half of communication. You can be saying the right thing but if you say it with the wrong tone of voice it will not be received well.
While it may be tempting to change simply to encourage change in your partner, the desire for reciprocity cannot be your primary motivation. This will only lead to disappointment when things don’t turn out the way you had hoped—or in the time frame you had imagined. But with the proper expectations, any step in the right direction will lead to improvement. The only way out of a downward spiral is to change directions.
Cindy Irwin is the founder of Life By Design, a counseling center focused on marriage therapy, family counseling and sexual wholeness. She is also an Intern for the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists and a Lead Intensive Therapist at the National Institute of Marriage. Cindy and her husband Steve have been married 21 years. Find out more about Cindy’s services at http://www.cindyirwin.org.
Jackie Feit is a graduate student at Psychological Studies Institute in Atlanta, Georgia projected to graduate in 2008.