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Nicolle
Posts:11
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| 08/22/2009 4:58 AM |
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| one of my best friends asked me out and after i prayed about it i realized that it was not what god wants for me right now. so i told him that and tried to explain it to him in a way that wouldn't be too hurtful. im not so sure it that part worked. just because he asked me out and i wasnt ready for a boyfriend yet, does that mean we cant be friends anymore? it seems pretty stupid to me because we were great friends, and one little conflict shouldnt stop that. so i guess my questions for the guys would be..
would guys really rather not be friends anymore or can they except being 'just friends'?
if a girl rejects you, does that mean you cant be friends anymore because it would be too hard for the guy to not go any further?
and finally,
is there any clear way a girl can send a signal to let a guy know that having a boyfriend isnt what god wants for her right now without hurting the guy?
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Rose
Posts:135
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| 08/22/2009 9:48 AM |
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Nocolle- My older sister went through your same situation two years ago. The guy was really heart broken. But she had him over and explained to him why she didn't feel it was the right thing to do. She told him that it had nothing to do with him. It was just that she needed time to emotionally mature a little more before she could handle a serious relationship. She knew he understood that her reasons were valid but he was still really upset. She prayed for him to be accepting and patient. They kept in touch every once in a while throughout the two years and now that my sister (and the boy) are more mature, they've started to date. He understands now that she was right in waiting till they were almost out of college to go out because now they're closer to marriage age and they both (not just the guy) know that it's what God wants them to do.
Pray for him to understand your reasons and God's reasons and make it clear to him that you need the time to emotionally mature before you can start a dating relationship.
Hope I helped! God Bless!!  |
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God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE. So do not be afraid to testify about our LORD.
~2 Timothy 1:7-8 |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/22/2009 9:53 AM |
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I know I'm not a guy... but I agree that it shouldn't hurt your friendship if you are cool with that. There is another topic on why girls hate when their guy friends ask them out- but this doesn't sound like you are upset about it. Which is great!
Word of caution from personal experience- guys will often take your "no" and then when you are really friendly (I once let a guy who had asked me out three times and I told "I just want to be friends" look at the bone spur in my hand, and he... kind of loved that...) they think maybe you are changing your mind. I'm sure I would feel the same way. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/22/2009 11:31 AM |
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just because he asked me out and i wasnt ready for a boyfriend yet, does that mean we cant be friends anymore?
Actually, yes. See below.
it seems pretty stupid to me because we were great friends, and one little conflict shouldnt stop that. so i guess my questions for the guys would be.. would guys really rather not be friends anymore or can they except being 'just friends'? if a girl rejects you, does that mean you cant be friends anymore because it would be too hard for the guy to not go any further?
You have a false impression of what he's feeling, and the size of the conflict. You see, chances are the main part of why he was around you and acting friendly towards you wasn't because he wanted to be your friend, it was because he wanted to be your boyfriend. Now, this isn't to say he didn't experience friendly feelings towards you, but he was never just your friend. As I said, most likely the main reason he was even around you was because he liked you. Rejecting his asking you out was rejecting one of the main reasons he wanted to be around you, so it only makes sense that now he doesn't really. Maybe, maybe with time he'll get over the romantic feelings and want to be your friend again.
You see, since guys are "supposed" to be the pursuer, it makes genuine friendships between guys and girls, especially if one party is attracted to the other, nearly impossible. If a guy finds you attractive and wants to pursue you, that will be the prime motivator for being around you. Said like that you might find that to be weird, but think about it: if or once you are ready to date, that's exactly how you want a guy to act. You want him to pursue you. But this means that sometimes the guys you don't want to pursue you will pursue you, and you'll either have to string him along or let him go.
There is another topic on why girls hate when their guy friends ask them out-
The thinking put forth from that statement needs to addressed. What you are talking about is what guys refer to as the "friends zone": when being friends with a girl turns you in her eyes into a complete non-romantic entity, like a brother or a lamp. Guys hate the friends zone. Honestly, though, and this is something that most girls don't realize, the guy who will make you the happiest and fulfill you the most is the guy who is your friend! What happens in real life though, as is probably happening to the guy mentioned in the original post, is that a guy will spend time getting to know a girl, showing appreciation and respect for who she is, and all around coming to like who she is, and then get rejected in large part because he's "just her friend." When this happens, and it often happens repeatedly, it turns guys into jerks. We get so tired of being rejected for being the "nice guy" and we get so tire of being "like a brother" to the girls we want that we finally become the guy girls are initially attracted to: jerks. You know all those guys out there who are jerks? Most of them started as nice guys, and all this happened to them. That's the great irony of all this, and girls please hear this: the qualities that initially attract a girl are the very qualities that eventually push her away, and the qualities that initially push her away are the very qualities she needs in a man to be satisfied on a long-term basis (like dating or marriage).
I'm sorry if I seem to be going off on this topic, but it's an experience I have had and many of the guys I've known have had. I myself have become more of a jerk because of experiences like that, and I know many guys who have become complete jerks because of stuff like that.
These are the only points I'm really trying to make: it's extremely rare for a guy to want to just be your friend if he feels attracted to you, it's not good that acting in a way in line with friendship with a girl makes it less likely for her to like you, and that the guys who will make the best boyfriends and husbands are the ones who take the time to treat you long-term in a friendly manner. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/22/2009 11:33 AM |
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That's the great irony of all this, and girls please hear this: the qualities that initially attract a girl are the very qualities that eventually push her away, and the qualities that initially push her away are the very qualities she needs in a man to be satisfied on a long-term basis (like dating or marriage).
You might wonder why that is, and I'll tell you. It's because of a life-long diet of incredibly skewed romantic stories: chick flicks, romance novels (not just the raunchy ones), and things like Twilight. I tell you this only so you will know what to defend yourself against, even when you've been told your entire life these things are good. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Nicolle
Posts:11
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| 08/22/2009 1:18 PM |
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david - thanks for your comment. you're right, i've never looked at it like that. i guess girls just dont realize that guys will probably want more than just friendship, even if we just think of them as friends. now that i think about it, i guess he never was really 'just a friend'. i think i am just going to ask him if he still wants to be friends - there's no harm in that, is there?
most people i know do end up marrying people who were their best friends. my parents, for example, were best friends for years and only dated for 3 months before they got engaged. so for them, dating was pretty much 'courting' - they were dating with a clear intention of marriage. but im only 14, so i shouldn't be thinking about marriage yet! most of my friends who have boyfriends will even admit that they seriously doubt they would ever marry them - so what's the point? just date people to have fun?
i also have another question - since i felt like God was telling me not to date him, was it better for me to break it off in the beginning, or should i have said yes and taken a few months to see if i had been wrong, if it could work out? for me i just felt like it would be less hurtful to him if i broke it off now than if, three months in the future, i told him i knew it had been a bad idea from the start.
what is the least hurtful way a girl can tell a guy she doesn't want to date him? is there an un-hurtful way, or would they all crush him? |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 08/22/2009 3:17 PM |
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what is the least hurtful way a girl can tell a guy she doesn't want to date him? is there an un-hurtful way, or would they all crush him?
I've never really experienced a situation where it was like, "he's really coming onto me! eek! what do I do?" but I can give this advice from what I've heard and seen: talk about it in general. like, when you're with your friends and he's around, get to talking about it. not in a horribly obvious, weird way. but, you can say things like, "psht, I'm totally not ready to date! what about you guys?" (just to throw the question out there, not directed at anybody or whatnot.) that gives you a non-awkward way to, in a way, "beat around the bush" without suffocating him with your feelings and opinions. he won't feel like you're cornering him.
but, I can attest to the fact that, being "just friends" is never what it seems.
almost 2 years ago from now, I liked a guy (the one I like now, never stopped liking him). and I thought, in October-November '07, the feelings were mutual. but he clearly stated to me that he didn't like me at that time. then, in January-March '08, we were "just friends" (hah). in early April, we started dating. it lasted barely 3 months. so then from July-December '08, we didn't communicate at all, really. and in January/February of this year, we started chatting online again and somewhat in person. finally, this past early July, he told me he likes me again and has since January.
"just friends", still? yes, but with a clear intention that when he gets back from missions (going for 15 months, eh), if we still feel the same, we'd start dating again. last year, it was totally based on emotions and we hadn't been through anything together. now, we've been "there and back again" (nod to Tolkien), and we know we never want to go back to that place.
so I understand what you mean about being torn with whether you should just "try it" or stop the train right now. my advice, if you already have doubt, don't do anything. our God is not a God of doubt. period. :] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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JoJo
Posts:1657
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| 08/23/2009 2:24 AM |
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Ok... firstly, Nicolle you did the best thing anyone can do.... if you felt God was telling you no, even if you had doubts... if it was a yes... god would bring the oppertunity back later...
the important thing is you were doing what is right... stringing people along is more hurtful, for both partys... at least this way, he may be able to get back to a "friendship" level, whereas if you said yes, and then no later, he might never get over it...
and just like Emily, I've had a similar situation... and at the point where the guy was giving me MAJOR hints and being very obvious that he liked me etc, I kinda felt it wasn't right at that point so I held off... and only now (a year after) I am slowly showing him that I do feel the same, well really it's also because he's still doing the same stuff, but I want him to be the man, and I don't wanna be the persuer  and we're really good friends now, and who knows... maybe something will happen sooner or later  God knows best, so I'm letting Him take the reigns |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/23/2009 12:51 PM |
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Are you saying then, David, that guys only pursue friendships with girls they are romantically attracted to?
That sounds a little off to me personally. I definitely know guys who are friends with girls they won't date =]
Nicolle, I agree with Jo and Emily, you did the right thing. Don't let David make you feel guilty that you aren't ready for a relationship =P But seriously, to get into a relationship for the fun of it really does still create a lot of pressure and emotional attachment, too. I think it's great that you know that you aren't ready!!!! And yes, if it's supposed to happen, it will. Don't worry about it. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/23/2009 1:56 PM |
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Adelynn, I think you may have misinterpreted what I meant.
Are you saying then, David, that guys only pursue friendships with girls they are romantically attracted to?
Quite the opposite, actually. What I mean is that if a guy is attracted to a girl, it makes it nearly impossible to just be her friend (not completely impossible, but very difficult). This is especially true if he intends to pursue her. What then happens is that he pursues what appears to be a friendship with her, in large part motivated by his attraction to her. This doesn't mean he doesn't feel friendly feelings towards her, but that the main motivator in his being around her is romantic attraction. When she rejects him romantically, she is then rejecting the main reason he's around her. Guys are fully capable of having genuine friendships with girls, but this mostly happens when he is not attracted to her.
Don't let David make you feel guilty that you aren't ready for a relationship
It was never my intention to make her feel guilty for not being ready for a romantic relationship. If she isn't ready then she did the right thing in telling him as soon as possible. I was simply trying to help her understand that the reality is his and her friendship may not last, and why that is. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/23/2009 2:26 PM |
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| I know you didn't mean to make her feel guilty =D |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Lindsey
Posts:70
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| 08/23/2009 3:57 PM |
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| If you have a really good guy friend and you are really out going and friendly with him.Will he get the wrong impression? |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/23/2009 7:07 PM |
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Lindsey, it depends. How exactly are you acting towards him? Unless you are absolutely positive he isn't attracted to you, I would refrain from physical contact as much as you can. If you want to make it to where he doesn't have feelings for you, try talking about other guys or asking his advice on other (specific) guys. Of course, that is a tricky tactic as if he does like you and he is the sort to hang on to that attachment after he should have let go of it, you'll end up just causing him pain. You could also talk about how he would be a good couple with such-and-such girl.
Of course, I must ask: if he's such a good friend, why don't you like him? Are none of the qualities that draw you to him as a friend attractive to you? Remember, the best possible romantic relationship you (or anyone else) could ever have would come out of a close friendship. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/23/2009 9:45 PM |
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| *sigh* Not that you have to like him, I think he just wants to know |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 08/24/2009 12:37 PM |
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Unless you are absolutely positive he isn't attracted to you, I would refrain from physical contact as much as you can.
HUGE RESOUNDING YES. I was very huggy with my guy friend (that I've mentioned in this thread) 2 years ago up until a year ago. then we broke up and I felt God telling me to completely refrain from hugging him at all. I've said before (on other threads) that my church is very huggy and has a greeting time where everybody goes around shaking hands and hugging. so it was kind of awkward from a year ago up until about 7 months ago. then we started talking again and we sort of made it "our thing" to shake hands at church and when he leaves my house.
in late July, I went on a missions trip for 8 days. we kept in close contact through email the whole time. at one point, I told him (sarcastically, but I really was being serious), "maybe, just MAYBE, you'll get a hug when I get home." y'know what he replies (when I was expecting, "WOOHOO!" since we hadn't hugged in about a year)? "don't awaken love until it so desires, right, Emily?" you have no idea how proud I was of him. a year ago, he probably would've been elated to have been given "permission" to hug me. but he's grown so much spiritually, that it was just out of the question. and then a few weeks later, he tells me, "that I have no idea how much our hand shakes mean to him." that may seem silly to some (or most :p) of you, but to me, that means so much.
my point! haha. is that, the smallest things can mean so much. they can be so significant. "flirting" really has nothing to do with snagging the right guy. being yourself does. pursuing Christ does. fleeing the passions of this world and running towards Jesus does. because, someday, somebody will come up next to you and ask, "hey, mind if I run this race with you?" =] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Ash:)
Posts:22
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| 08/26/2009 8:47 AM |
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| Ok well this guy likes(a different one then take a leap) anyway and he's a pretty good guy friend and im new to where i live(parsberg, germany) and he has a crush on me but he knows i dont like him back the same way. So i wanted to know from a guys perspective if thats weird for him(because we are still just friends) or is it torturing him inside??? Thanks -Ash |
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-Ash<3 |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 08/26/2009 10:28 AM |
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| It can be awkward (sometimes very much so) but it's not an insurmountable problem if he likes you and you're not interested. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/26/2009 3:14 PM |
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It depends on the guy. There's a good chance it's torturing him inside, there's a good chance he's hoping you'll change your mind, and there's a smaller chance that he's trying to change his feelings to remain friends with you.
Just out of curiosity, why don't you like him? If he's such a good friend, what "likable" qualities is he missing? |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Ash:)
Posts:22
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| 08/28/2009 4:49 AM |
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I like him as a friend because he's really nice but i mean he 'changes characters' like when he's around his friends he's kinda mean!!! And i dont like that!!! My previous boyfriends, they respected me around everybody and when we broke up we remained really close friends!!! I just dont feel. . . 'attracted' to him. I guess thats how i should say it. I dont feel anythin like at all around him so thats another reason!!! Thank You though!!!
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-Ash<3 |
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Tpenno
Posts:4
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| 11/29/2009 7:13 PM |
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Hi .. just a question. Back to the "friend zone" thing.
I recently found out that a guy at my school likes me. (he told me) But i don't really know him at all and because of that i don't know if i would be interested in a relationship with him. He seems like a really nice guy. But i need some time to think and pray and get to know him better.
If he were to ask me out and i were to ask him if we could be just friends for a while would that be the same thing as sticking him in the friend zone?
Thanks |
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