Shaunti Feldhahn

“What comes between ‘How do you do?’ and ‘I do’?” This is the question Joshua Harris addresses in Boy Meets Girl, clearing up some confusion after I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out in 1997.   After several years of “dating abstinence,” Harris published Boy Meets Girl, having been married to his bride, Shannon, the year before.  This sequel covers the in-between areas of a male-female relationship: courtship and engagement, when two people are “more than friends, but less than lovers.”  Although Harris has received much criticism for both books, his ideas stand the test of time as guides through the foggy world of relationships.

Joshua Harris has learned a great deal since writing I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  When he began pursuing Shannon, he was anxious because he had been against dating for so long.  His readers had been asking what to do once someone was ready for marriage, as he had been asking himself.  He describes a phone call to Shannon in which he sets up a meeting with her to discuss their relationship.  “For five years I’d experienced God’s faithfulness as I waited on romance; now I was stepping into the unknown believing that He would continue to be faithful as I pursued romance. The guy who had ‘kissed dating goodbye’ was about to ‘say hello to courtship.’”  All the signs were right: he saw Shannon’s devotion to God, all his counselors thought he was ready for marriage, and he couldn’t think of any significant reason why he shouldn’t be interested in her.  He took the next step and through his trials in his relationship with Shannon came Boy Meets Girl, an exposé of what he learned about what and ideal courtship should look like. 

The two books go nicely together as companion pieces, though both have their own unique style.  Many people were confused when the first one came out; Harris talked about not dating, but what was the alternative?  Obviously, another book was needed.  As a result, I Kissed Dating Goodbye deals with what not to do and why, whereas Boy Meets Girl covers what to do when one is ready for marriage.  The first is geared towards younger single people, whereas the second appeals to those who are advancing towards the next step in a relationship, though many read it for reference when that time comes, and its principles do come in handy.

 In the first part of the book, he lays out the foundation, in part recapping concepts from I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  In the preface, he tells his interpretation of the romance of Adam and Eve, when they met for the first time, in the context of Adam telling one of his granddaughters.  He tells how God initiated the first marriage ceremony and brought the perfect Eve to the perfect Adam.  This illustration serves to set the stage with God playing the primary role the whole time, working in the lives of His children, even in the area of our relationships, an area few are eager to let God handle.  Harris is all about putting God at the center and surrendering our love lives to Him, allowing wisdom rather than feelings and emotion to guide our decision, so that we can keep romance sacred and not treat it as any other mundane part of our lives.  He sees the connection between romance and wisdom like a kite and its string; wisdom holds down romance so it doesn’t go soaring off into the sky until it eventually takes a nosedive straight into the ground.  Romance is easy.  It’s living out a God-pleasing life with wisdom that is hard.  It’s not about testing our strength or freedom as Christians; it’s about avoiding sin and glorifying God.  Male-female relationships were made to progress towards the physical. One reviewer of the book, known only as LifeStar, said, “It’s about sacrifice and willingness to be molded and sometimes broken by God’s hand” (LifeStar). The Christian life was not meant to be easy, but rather, “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3b-4). 

In the second section, the largest section, Harris discusses the season of courtship itself.  He lays out five essentials of a God-pleasing courtship.  The couple will 1) joyfully obey God’s word, 2) selflessly desire the best for the other person, 3) humbly embrace their community of friends and family, 4) commit to guard the sanctity of sex, and 5) have a deep satisfaction in God.  The whole point of a courtship is to explore the possibility of marriage; so, a courtship is successful even if it does not lead to marriage.  Other purposes, however, include treating each other with holiness and sincerity, making an informed decision about marriage, and growing and guarding in friendship and fellowship, as well as romance.  However, this should be done with caution;  Harris says, “Each time you walk away from temptation and refuse to stoke the fires of passion prematurely, you’re sending yourselves the best gifts you’ll receive on the day of your wedding—gifts of trust and respect and increased passion.”  Being “more than friends, but less than lovers…is part of the process of letting romance blossom under the watchful eye of prudence and self-control.”  Harris also stresses the importance of communication and community.  The merits of communication are obvious in any relationship, but many people do not realize the importance of bringing others into the relationship.  Although some privacy is warranted, no couple should be completely alone.  Rather, they should have counselors, accountability, and frequent reality checks.  Harris also underscores biblical gender roles—man must lead, woman must cultivate biblical womanliness—and that understanding and embracing those roles glorifies God. 

The step after a progressing courtship is, naturally, engagement, the next level of commitment, the ultimate being marriage.  Engagement is the period after both individuals and their counselors are confident about their decision to get married.  However, this confidence only comes with knowledge of both individuals’ readiness.  Harris provides several questions for couples to ask when they feel they are ready for the next step, including “Is God the center of this relationship?” “Do we each understand our biblical roles as a man or woman?” “Are other people supportive of this relationship?” “Is sexual desire playing too big or small a part in our decision?” “Do we have a track record of solving problems biblically?” “Does either of us have any entanglements from past relationships?” and, finally, “Do we want to get married?”  In other words, is the couple over-spiritualizing the decision or fantasizing the person as someone better?  Marriage is a life-changing decision; it will affect the rest of your life.  Asking yourself these questions will only help prepare you better for marriage, even though some of them may be hard to ask yourself.  You should not have to be pulled over by a “Courtship Cop,” one of the many examples Harris uses to illustrate his ideas.

Throughout Boy Meets Girl, as well as the prequel, Harris uses numerous stories, illustrations, and examples to convey his ideas.  These concrete examples not only serve to demonstrate his points, but also to draw the reader in and make it more interesting.  Harris is not writing to a scholastic crowd, but a popular audience, and he writes in a similar manner.  At times, his writing seems rather simplistic, but he is serious about what he is saying.  He doesn’t tell random stories with no point, but they all have a purpose.  The most glaring instance of rudimentary writing is his example of the “Courtship Cop,” who pulls over couples who try to make a relationship advance in romance too fast.  Although even he admits it’s corny, it does have a point: relationships with no depth usually do not have good results, and some really do need a “Courtship Cop.”

The criticism Harris has received from both books mainly focus on his weaknesses as a writer, though some of it goes deeper.  Most of it comes from people who have misunderstood Harris’ core message.  “Harris…[uses “courtship”] to mean dating with a purpose at one point, thinking seriously about marriage at another, and a rule dominated methodology in the remainder of the book.”  The harshest criticism comes from those who see Harris as a hypocrite for not following his own advice from I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  “Boy Meets Girl is a hypocrite’s attempt to defend the relationship that he entered into soon after penning his original blasphemous piece of filth.”  “Unbeknownst to the damaged flock, Joshua Harris was gleefully disregarding his own message, pursuing a girl he met after publication.  In his latest work, Harris attempts to cover up his own hypocrisy by re-terming dating as ‘courtship.’”  Harris says throughout his books that it does not matter what you call the relationship, but it’s how you go about being in one, and, while Harris may have adjusted his perspective slightly after having been in a courtship himself, he still had the same guiding principle of glorifying God in his relationships. 

Most people loved the book.  Those who read and absorbed the material have been blessed by its contents, though some take it too far.  Some churches have taken the concepts and turned them into the “official Christian dating perspective,” and using the books as bible study material. Though this has led to legalism in some cases—and Harris himself has been charged with legalism—Boy Meets Girl and I Kissed Dating Goodbye are fairly self-contained and could easily be used as the only guides for male-female relationships before marriage.  However, this should not be done without checking and testing them against biblical truth. 

When everything boils down, one finds that the answer to the Westminster catechism question of man’s chief end is what the Christian life is all about: glorifying God and enjoying Him forever. Every romance is different, which shows God’s incredible creativity.  Some Christians have pleased God even with just two rules: don’t date non-Christians, and don’t have sex before marriage.  Others have come up with elaborate schemes that border on legalism.  Still others settle for less and take to easy route of being lazy and not trying to be excellent.  All glorify or devalue God to varying degrees, and no one is perfect.  Courtship may not be the perfect system, but the way Joshua Harris has gone about it does glorify God.  It is an ideal, and “Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.” (Shurz)